9 days to go.

No alarm, yay.

3 job applications. 

Ride to shops to buy cheap sunnies for climbing Fooj. And a new wallet. Really can’t afford to be spending money but mine is literally falling apart. Only about 3000 yen so not bad.

Ride to Ida’s, walk, so nice to have normal and natural conversations. We get each other.

Home, showered and had dinner by 8pm, the earliest in longer than I can remember. The return to normal routines has begun. Happy about that. Just hope my body can adjust quickly so my sleep can go back to being good.

Glad to say I did not much else today, very calm and relaxed. Not even particularly anxious about the future.

Going to bed to read my saucy romance book on my kindle. Yeah, I am starving for affection and attention. The right kind. Not the weird, desperate offer I was made recently. A strange student declared his love for me in the letter that accompanied his farewell gifts, only read it two days ago…will be ignoring any further emails from him, especially because he is planning on visiting Sydney for his upcoming summer holiday. He was the one who invited me to dinner last Tuesday but I saved myself by inviting the rest of the class. Good move.

But seriously, I want to be in love again. I want a man to care for and one who wants to and is able to look after me. I want someone to get excited to see me and want me and miss me when I’m gone. But I have to be careful. More careful than ever before. This time in my life I will be very selective who takes up room in my heart and time in my day. And the second I feel they don’t fit or the desire is not equal, I will be honest and let it go. I won’t rush into anything, but I love being in a relationship. Being someone’s girl and calling that someone mine makes me feel wonderful. I love love. My friends here often quote me on saying that and take the piss. I ham it up of course to be dramatic and go along with their friendly ribbing. But it’s true, there’s not many things that can beat that all encompassing emotion. All in good time, I guess. Come what may.

I usually try to avoid writing about this topic here but if this is to be an accurate time capsule of what is going on in my head and heart on the last leg of my life in Japan I must mention it. Love and loss and lust have been a huge part of my journey here.

Can’t wait

– To get on the plane

– To get off the plane

– To sit out the back of Mum’s on my pretty little white wrought iron chair and table set under the tree with a cup of tea. (And going by what everyone is saying about the awful cold weather, a blanket too).

– To hold someone’s hand again. As in because we are claiming each other, prefer to be touching just that little bit all the time and want the rest of the world to know we are together. 

Gonna miss

– Riding without wearing a helmet, legally

– The heat

– Ida.

10 days to go.

7:40 alarm to say goodbye to Alina, the Russian homestayer.

Back to bed, slept in, kept waking but with no plans just continued to drift back off until about 10.30.

11:00am breakfast. I know I should finish off my porridge but white bread with Vegemite is just too tempting.

11:30am until like 2:00pm, sorting & re packing all my bags to consolidate them and make the next 10 days easier logistically.

Before I put everything away again, I took a pic of most of the farewell gifts I received:

Panic attack as I suddenly noticed my passport was missing! Total freak out. Calm down, think carefully, it’s been in the same place in your laptop bag in your apartment for the whole year, you even checked it recently. What did you do with it? It was a considered move…oh it’s in my pre-japan preparation notebook! Which is inside a bag, at the bottom of my biggest suitcase. Grrrr. Ok unzip, take the top layers off, there it is! Woozaaah. Thank god for that. I was imagining how I would apply for a reissued one & how much longer that means I need to wait to get home. Phew.

10pm – Skype from my sister in law for over an hour. So great to catch up with them 😀 Oh now it feels so real that I’ll be with them all very soon! My nephew and godson kept calling out “Aunty Rissa, Aunty Rissa” and finally when my brother let him speak he does “Will you teach me Japanese when you get home?”. Haha gorgeous little thing. “Of course babe!” Love him so much. And so excited to get to know his sister.

Very sorry to hear some sad news from their mum’s family though. I feel bad that I hadn’t checked in earlier so I could’ve talked to her sooner. Tough times. Just the reminder I needed to be grateful for my health, my family and my opportunities and take each day as it comes instead of feeling down and stressed about material and superficial things.

My other brother from Perth who just moved back to Sydney just got his new house in The Ponds so both those brothers and their families just had dinner at his place. So nice to hear them all spending time together. Still feels like he’s only visiting though. Crazy that after 7 years in Abu Dhabi then WA, me in Japan, another travelling Europe, all Mum’s 7 kids will be back in the same place. I wonder how long for?

Can’t wait:

– to be surrounded by my loved ones in an overcrowded noisy lounge room, sitting on the floor, in perfect familial chaos again.

– to drink wine and eat cheese with my bestie for a long overdue catch up after she picks me up from the airport in exactly 2 weeks!!!

– to be able up say I climbed Mount Fuji!

Gonna Miss:

– hmmm.

11 Days to go.

I have felt depressed all day. I cancelled my last Japanese lesson that was meant to be at 9:30am because I haven’t had a chance to study and just did not have the energy. So I slept in even but was sleepy the whole day, rudely sitting in silence much of the time in my student’s car as she drove us to lunch because having to make small talk in simple English had me feeling like I wanted to jump out of the fucking car. It is just so draining!

Now that I don’t actually need to do it for my job, I feel like my patience for communicating in my own language with Japanese people has completely run out. I am sick of having to think so hard before I open my mouth, or repeat what I did decide to say in simpler vocabulary or with various accents to ensure my listener will understand me. It really is exhausting. And so much of the time your true feelings, opinions and humour just cannot be conveyed due to the fact that almost no one shares my nationality or my social background so cannot get any cultural or personal references. 

Today I purposely said things at natural speed, used Aussie slang and everyday idioms just to assert my right to, feel normal and make it blatantly clear how difficult it is for me to share my thoughts. I even noticed myself wanting to do it to highlight their English weaknesses. That’s so mean but I just do not want to correct mistakes or suggest better sentences anymore! In doing so I only made it harder for myself because I then had to explain or repeat or say forget it, and without use of my phone I couldn’t rely on Google translate to do the work for me (of course that’s only outside the classroom I actually did that but I relied on it so much in my private life).

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed teaching English and was pretty good at it but I am so relieved to be done with it. At least in this country, and for a couple more years anyway.

After lunch I bid farewell to dear dramatic Dave on the bullet train platform. I will miss this British boy, so many laughs together. More tears. Wow, that’s all my goodbyes to my original crew finished with. So sad. 

Then I walked around aimlessly, well actually I was hunting for the right shade of french pink to replenish my essential nail polish stock and trying to find a reasonably priced wallet that was simple and didn’t have gross gold on it. Won with the polish, lost with the wallet. Felt fun to pretend I had  money to spend in my favourite expensive shops underground at the station. Ichibangi is gorgeous. 

Dinner with my two awesome 69 year old students. These guys are hilarious and lovely. It was one of their birthdays so we went out for eel (very expensive I am told), their shout. I loved the eel but couldn’t manage the crustacean things we had as appetisers – beautiful shells but the slimy worm thing I toothpicked out made me want to vomit. I tried the tiniest bite which confirmed the threat of my stomach contents coming up. No thanks. 

As much as I just wanted to Skype home, simply go to my real home, or just my temporary one to sleep, I actually enjoyed my evening. These guys are just very down to earth and I didn’t feel I had to answer empty questions or fake enthusiasm about anything. During my last drink at the final stop of the day (a little ivy covered, hole-in-the-wall bar), the birthday boy said, “Ok Karissa you have been in Japan for one year, tell me again what you have done.” 

“Snowboarding in Hakuba, scubadiving in Okinawa, white water rafting in Tokushima, (they are my top three), sandboarding in Tottori, kimono and yukata wearing, making of 1000 origami love hearts, many hot springs, skinny dipping in Onomichi, a 152 kilometer island cycle, went to the Naked Man festival in Winter, the Fertility Festival in Kawasaki, went to the famous temples in Kyoto, shopped in Harajuku, went to DisneySea and saw all the iconic sights of Tokyo, stayed in traditional Japanese inns and houses, went to Hokkaido (northernmost island)…”, 

They both exclaimed “Sugoi!”, which is like Wow, amazing! and I got a massive stinging slap on the back. They said I have achieved what most foreigners living here do in three or four years and I have done more cultural things and visited more places than the average local. Yuzo said to me, “You ARE a challenger, Karissa”. I know it’s not natural to say that in English but I like it. Yes, I AM a challenger. This year has taught me to try new things as often as possible and maximise the use of your resources in order to ensure you experience and become everything you want and not too much of what you don’t. 

I should have also added that I saw both Great Buddha statues in Kamakura and Nara, rode bullet trains, went to a traditional Japanese music concert, tried all sorts of strange food for the first time, studied Japanese and took a test, visited Japanese gardens, had a tea ceremony, celebrated various festivals, became a runner, dated a Japanese boy and so many more things my tired brain cannot recall at the moment. I really have had a jam packed 12 months. I don’t regret a single thing and feel totally satisfied that I have achieved everything I set out to do here. I have made incredible memories. No wonder I am so bloody spent though! It all hits you when you stop and on my first non-working I day, it was like a brick wall slammed against my body.

Finished the day chatting with a family friend who just came home from 12 months in America and then discussing philosophy and the importance of multilingualism and ‘realising one’s self’ with the Russian homestay daughter. She is 16, speaks Russian, English and Japanese and already sees that the function of university is to become a clever person, not just a worker. She is very patriotic and told me Russians really value individualism and creativity and that, despite her love of manga, anime, Hello Kitty, and learning the language, because of Japan’s opposite view on these aspects she could never live here. Such an intelligent young woman. I was unexpectedly schooled.

It is the sad truth. People here study stupidly hard, work stupidly hard and as a whole don’t consider living happily and freely a priority. It is no wonder they have the highest suicide rate in the world here. And lack a decent mental health system. People are simply tired, bored and not meeting that need at the top of Maslow’s pyramid – self actualization. 

I really hope I get to work in this field. Gets me so revved up. Gotta type those project notes and email Cheryl. She would be in AmDam now I think!

Can’t Wait

– to afford to go on a shopping spree

– to go on a shopping spree

– to shop without worrying about overseas shipping

– to go on a detox (Going to the gym and buying my own regular food tomorrow, I feel physically dreadful due to not working out and just accepting whatever snacks or meals have been offered).

– to just be home.

Gonna Miss

– I had nothing to say here until that last drink… but I will miss not being on the wildest, hardest most significant adventure of my life. 

 

12 days to go.

“Thank fuck”, I sighed aloud in the storeroom to myself as I put a textbook away for the last time.

Can’t wait

– for normality

Gonna miss

– nothing.

– ok, no, something: being able to ride down the street and choose between amazing Spanish or amazing Korean food at 10pm on Thursday night.

13 days to go.

I finally got a good sleep. Don’t remember taking long to fall asleep and woke up before my alarm feeling rested. Really needed that. I know I need to go to the gym too but I am going to forget that until after I finish work. Only one more day.

5 lesson day. Got a mad present from one of my Odyssey students, a pen/ pacer/ hanko (stamp with my name in Japanese) with cherry blossoms on the outside. It’s beautiful. I can’t be bothered to go downstairs to get my lead to connect my iPhone where I have a picture of it, can’t blog from my phone due to it being cut off and the wifi I can get is not strong enough.

Going to try pull a shifty by not paying my outstanding bill nor cancelling my contract, thereby saving myself over 200 bucks! I hope there are no repercussions…my friends said they did it and even looked into future tourist visas and found that they wouldn’t be affected by it. I’m satisfied with that! Need to save all the money I can. Will get my final pay and bonus tomorrow but after paying for my flights home, next week’s Mount Fuji climb, various goodbye lunches and dinners, then visiting family in Cairns and Brisbane, I’m basically dry. Wow, I am going to have borrow money aren’t I? I really really don’t want to need to do that. I guess there’s still a chance I could land a job in the next few weeks. With a bit of luck. At least after finishing my last day tomorrow I have more time to apply for jobs at decent hours.

Gonna Miss:

– Hiro, one of the characters from my intermediate text book. He is a Japanese boy living at home in Japan who is a host brother to an American exchange student, Katherine. At first he is annoyed by her intruding on his free time and personal space, then he develops a crush on her. After she returns home, he then goes to America for the opposite experience. He loves his cat. And trains. He is innocent and sweet and I will miss listening to their little conversations through Apple TV and the iPad during my digital lessons (even though they are cheesy and mostly unnatural and I am over listening to American English).

– FamiChikin (sic). Yes, that one I know I have said before. But I seriously love it, had some tonight. Probably why I am coming home fatter than before.

– Coming home to my own place where I don’t have to talk to anyone when I am tired after work. And can get undressed and stay undressed whenever and wherever I like. I hope I can live by myself again very soon.

Can’t Wait

– To watch Foxtel

– To meet my friend’s new cat who I helped name (Sachi – it means happiness, or good omen in Japanese).

– To do Les Mills classes again. They are here actually, just not at my gym.

– To walk through UWS Richmond Campus with my dog again.

– To speak only English.

Ok, last night before my last day as an English teacher. Unless of course I end up doing that in Spain like I originally wanted to back when I was studying Spanish in high school. Due to the pitiful income I’ve been on here, I now want to do something there that pays better. It would be ideal if my next job in PR could lead there, like an international transfer or something. Though given their economy is in crisis and foreigners can’t really get those good jobs, it is highly likely I will teach again if I am going to be working there in two years, as planned. Due to the nationals wanting to skill up to help their own careers, or simply keep putting food on the table for their families, the TEFL/ TESOL industry is still lucrative and therefore job opportunities remain abundant even for non-EU citizens. 

Well, I am going to watch English TV in my room for the first time in over a year! Mitsuyo just showed me she has a multilingual drama channel. Damn Offspring episode won’t work again this work, must be something with their website. 

14 days to go.

I am still not sleeping well. Didn’t help that I thought the loud banging sounds keeping me up were fireworks, so I ignored them for a good hour before I admitted to myself it was impossible to sleep so I got Mitsuyo to come down. We then had our ears to the wall followed by a tennis racket hitting said wall trying to listen for the cause of the noise. “Cat? Mouse? Ghost?”, we speculated for like five minutes, looking in cupboards, walking around the house, eventually I figured out it was just the fan blowing a framed hanging into the bloody wall! At that point we both hit the tatami mat floor laughing. Moved the fan, settled into my comfy futon, absolutely spent, but still couldn’t sleep for ages. I am so tired. So much for this Royal Jelly supplement helping with that. It has given me the best nails I have ever had in my life though; they’ve never been stronger. I am manicuring them twice a week because I am so excited to finally have nice nails. I actually can’t stop admiring them. 

8:45am – Up for run with Ida, became a walk, so hot! We went up to my favourite cafe chain Marugo 5 Deli across from the Garden (there are three of these Newtown-esque indie shops in my area) so I could show her where we will have our pre-work date with Dave on Thursday morning. Showed her the toadstools and squirrel table and chairs I talked about across the road near the river that it overlooks – I love them, so cute! 

10:00am Shower with normal temperature control! And Nespresso coffee! Loving my new accommodation. I am so buying a little coffee machine when I get my own pad. Ate my awesome packed lunch that Mumma Mitsuyo did for me for breakfast. Haven’t had that joyful delight of being happily surprised with the contents of a lunchbox since primary school. What a champ.

11:40am – Work. 6 lessons. 2 days to go. Feet cannot take much more. But felt like my lessons were some of the best I’ve given today. Okonomiyake for lunch. I’m going to have to find a restaurant in Sydney that does this.

9:20pm – Dinner with students. Had a student I’ve only know for a month or two invite me to dinner after our last lesson tonight via email a few days ago. I wasn’t too comfortable with the idea of a one-on-one date with him so I decided to invite the rest of the class on the spot tonight. Great idea, we had six in total and such a nice mix of men and women. All high level so easy conversation and a little of showing off my Japanese (I am not allowed to speak in Japanese at all with them at work so they are shocked and super impressed when I can say even simple words and phrases correctly – I’ll take whatever praise I can get! I relish in the stuff) We had delicious infused Western and Japanese dishes. I tried green tea umeshu too, good choice. And we all cracked up about the time I told Yoshika she shouldn’t use the bag she brought to class once that said “Plumpy Nuts” on it. Hilarious explaining slang or colloquial terms to second language English speakers. Which brings me to my next laugh. The Tanuki. The Tanuki is a raccoon dog that exists in real life but in it’s folklore form has gigantic testicles that were so big he could even use them as a mattress and pillow. These days it is a common statue out the front of shops because its plumpy nuts symbolise financial luck. Always makes me giggle.

I just found this haiku poem about old mate Tanuki:

Tan Tan Tanuki no kintama wa,
Kaze mo nai no ni,
Bura bura

In English: Tan-tan-tan’, Tanuki’s bollocks ring: The wind’s stopped blowing, but they swing-swing-swing! 

And this! “In the Mario Bros video games a player can wear a “Tanooki Suit”. By doing so, he takes on the appearance of a tanuki and gains the ability to fly, spin his tail to attack enemies, and shape-shift into a statue. 

Thanks Wikipedia. Still got to buy my little sister one of these bad boys before I leave, as promised. She’ll love it.

Japanese has influenced pop culture even in Australia so much more than I ever actively thought when I was little or even just before I lived here really. Pokemon, Nintendo, Tamagotchis, Hello Kitty, Sailor Moon, Suzuki (Mistubishi, Honda etc), sushi…

Can’t wait

– To be the same as the people around me

– To stop worrying about my professional and financial situation (but will I ever, really? The worry just seems to shift from one form to another anyway, e.g. Will I have any? becomes Will I have enough? becomes Will I have too much? or Will I regret not doing something? This is just my immediate challenge. Accepted).

– To pat my cat Bella 

– To hear my youngest niece (who was an infant when I left) Cayleigh talk and see her walk.

– To drive.

Gonna miss

– Being different from the people around me

– Being the expert in my job

– Buses with cat ears

– Gratitude bows

– Cute cartoon city mascots. My favourite is Bary-san from Imabari City on Shikoku Island. I’ll post a photo soon.

– Not needing a car.

Let’s try catch that good night sleep you’ve been chasing and desperately needing tonight Karissa. No reason not to get at least 7.5 hours if you do your face and teeth right now. But, of course, I’m hungry.

Another day, another dollar. Funny how I can’t wait to finish work while at the same time I’m complaining about having no job after Thursday.

15 days to go.

I am exhausted. Four hours sleep Saturday night, out all day, five hours sleep last night, followed by:

7:30am  – wakeup to tie up futons and move all garbage and furniture down to the bins ready for collections.

8:00am – final clean and pack

Last week’s Offspring finally worked on the Channel 10 website so squeezed that in while I still had internet.

10:00am – student came to pick up my beloved kotatsu (heater table)

10:30am – Japanese lesson 

Catch up with everyone while I am online. Yep, definite addict right here.

11:50am – Rode to gym to do yoga

1:00pm Lunch by river near my house. Listened to the recording on my old phone of the reading I had done in Penrith 15 months ago by “Mary the Gypsy”. Wow. So many more things make sense now. Still a few mysteries, wonder if down the track they will also become clear. Some spookily accurate and very positive encouraging stuff in that 45 minutes. I should go again when I go home. Yeah cos I have loads of disposable income to spend on psychics as a homeless unemployed! 

And oh my god! I saw wakeboarders!!! Literally across from my place, this little river! I never knew people waked there! Was actually about to yell out and invite myself into their boat for a go but guilt got the better of me as I should have already returned to my apartment to help my manager finish packing the company supplied furniture and household items. 

3:00pm Mitsuyo arrived to load the car, first stop school to store all the company’s belongings hat will be passed on to the next teacher, then her place to offload all my bags, boxes etc.

Chill for a bit. Thank God, aka Mitsuyo for her lovely comfortable cool home and WIFI!!!

4:00pm – Ride to Ida’s, walk, sushi

8:30pm – Home, massage on the amazing massage chair that is my traditional style tatami guest room – score! I seriously struck gold with the Miyachi’s, thank my lucky stars all the time.

9:00pm Job application and more job searching. Come on you fuckers, there are so many great positions at universities going right now in both Adelaide and Sydney that I can absolutely do and would be good at. Someone give me a go, please.

Can’t Wait

– to sleep

– to hang out washing in the sun on an actual clothesline (have I already said that? My brain is actually shutting down tonight).

Gonna Miss

– Really cheap delicious sushi

– the Miyachi’s.

Early to bed for me tonight.

 

16 days to go.

Well that’s the last of it. Everything packed, emptied, chucked, last dishes washed, final load of laundry drying – god I hope I can squeeze this last bunch of clothes into my bags!

Uploading my last month of photos and recharging my old phone.

In the morning I just need to tie up my bedding ready to dispose of, take out the garbage, move the furniture that is being picked up by council downstairs, pack my washing, vacuum (oops I just tried to spell that with two ‘c’s’, oh no I recently taught my students that mistake!) once more, give all the surfaces one last wipe down – oh I will have to buy some disposable cleaning wipes tomorrow because I have thrown all my cloths and sponges out and used all my paper towel, and I am done!

My last night in my little apartment. My first home all of my own. It’s been fun old friend. You’ve been good to me. You’ve also driven me nuts. Thank you for everything Leopalace 205 Minami Machi.

Can’t Wait

– to have people to say goodnight to me again 

– to go shopping for new essentials 

Gonna Miss

– Ida, Dave & Joseph (Today we went to Himeiji castle together – so fun, so much laughter and some very intimate and heavy bonding moments. Friendships here grow like they are in incubators; so much faster and more intensely than normal circumstances).

– Train adventures (local trains here now feel like my living room, I have had that many D&Ms on them!)

– Udon noodles

Goodnight for the last time in this place, or not as living by yourself would have it. 

17 days to go.

Wow, I have never received so much praise and encouragement in my life. My farewell party was as love-filled and emotional as my 21st birthday party. And just as many tears fell from my eyes.

I’m too tired to recount the evening now so I will do it tomorrow properly when I can give it, and all the people who made it so wonderful, the special mention it deserves. It was a truly heartwarming celebration; one I will cherish forever. 

My phone is now offline because I think I may have withdrawn all my cash before my phone bill direct debit came out on the 25th, oops. This will be fun trying to pay and get it reinstated by myself. Will have to be Monday, if I even have time – that’s move day. Might have to do it Tuesday, and I’m going to cancel my phone contract Friday morning anyway. Might just pay the bill and not worry about getting it back on. Being phoneless is both daunting and exciting. I definitely have FOMO but feel nicely free about being disconnected (knowing it’s only temporary of course). God I am technology dependent. Cannot imagine life without a laptop and smartphone anymore. Don’t even want to.

I need to do my face and teeth and get to sleep for my last “Crew” adventure tomorrow with Dave and Ida. We’re going to Himeji Castle. I am not really that interested in castles to be honest, just the company.

7 lesson day and that makes it my last ever hectic Saturday! Phew.

3 working days left.

Oh, now that my students know so there’s no risk of blurting on here, my replacement teacher Mohammed from England (if that is even his real name and origin) didn’t arrive. So my students don’t even know who their new teacher is. That was the local placement I was offered; I was specifically asked to stay on at my school as long as I could because they’re now in the lurch. They’ll now have Emergency Teachers filling in until a new teacher is recruited so it will be fine but what a drama. Who goes through the rigmarole of applying, getting a visa and corresponding right up until two days before the arrival date and that does a no show? Is he dead? Family emergency? Girlfriend convinced him not to go at the airport in Heathrow ? Or girlfriend in Japan in another city therefore just used the company to get residency status? Total mystery. But what a dick. My poor manager. And what a waste of resources, there’s a lot of work that goes in to foreign recruitment.

I could have written all about my party by now. 

Can’t Wait

– To be in a room filled with conversations I understand

– To have all my things together in one place, unpacked and organised

– To have a kitchen bench high enough to not need to bend down.

– To actually have a kitchen bench (just remembered mine is a tiny trestle table).

Gonna Miss

– My manager and students

– Being naked all the time at home (well hopefully I can live on my own again pretty soon)

– Summer.

18 days to go.

Last Friday done!

6 lessons, no gym. I don’t know if it’s because of this exhausting humidity, my struggle to get to sleep every night or that I am on the home run but I just cannot be bothered to exercise this week. Like I usually have to do the battle of I Don’t Want To V. But You Actually Do or But You Have To because I am tired or just want to relax but this week No I Really Don’t Want To is the dark horse that’s winning. It’s a good thing I have to ride everywhere. 

I Can’t Wait:

– to go for walks with my old friends

– to have a Brazillian wax (was not going to navigate that in a second language in a country where the majority prefer au naturel – after countless hot spring visits, I know this for sure). Definitely sick of my torturous DIY jobs.

I’m Gonna Miss:

– Umeshu (plum liquor)

– Okonomiyake (like a savoury pancake; Japanese version of pizza)

– Yuzo, my brash and obtrusive yet refreshingly honest older student on Friday mornings. In the beginning he was one of the students I liked the least and had the most awkward moments with, and now he is one of the ones I love the most. Just a genuine and funny man. Gave me a good strong handshake and said “I’ll miss you” after our last class today. He is going to be the MC at my farewell party tomorrow night. He is somewhat of an Omotecho (my school branch name) Ojisan (grandfather). He also MC’s at my welcome last year, actually.

Tomorrow is going to be fun, emotional but fun. I have 45 of my approximately 70 students coming to wish me well and see me off at a local izakaya (Japanese style pub). Planning on drinking a lot of umeshu! God I hope my improvised speech will be ok, I am not preparing anything.

My head teacher asked me if I really want to go back this afternoon. I immediately laughed at her and exclaimed yes! I have got to start being more polite and sensitive about my enthusiasm to leave. I kind of redeemed myself by saying how much I miss my family and friends so she didn’t think it was because I think badly of her workplace or country, It really is because I miss my friends and family though.

Maybe I should stay in Sydney…I would love to be close to everyone again and put some love back into my very valued relationships. But why is my heart so drawn to Adelaide? I really want to investigate this curiosity. But if I don’t get a job there, then my decision will be made for me I guess.

My best friend asked me why I am so against coming back to Sydney the other day, I had to think hard about my reasons and came up with a few. Firstly I don’t want to have the opportunity to rely on people again. I think when people love you so much they do everything to help when you struggle and, as wonderful as that is and as grateful as I am to have that support and love, the affection and compassion kind of makes me weaker when I am in a vulnerable place; I allow myself to indulge in it too much so I rely on it and then stop doing what I really need to do to grow and get stronger. I am afraid of going backwards I guess. Secondly I really like who I am in a new place, so much more autonomous, adventurous and curious with trying new things and getting to know new people. I’ve found that I flourish outside my comfort zone and I love reinventing myself. Thirdly, new places don’t have dark, painful memories or old, bad influences. And finally, I can’t rent a house (like a real house complete with backyard and even clothes line) on the beach on a single average income in Sydney. But in Adelaide I can and that would afford me the lifestyle I really want. I wish my friends and family could all be with me everywhere I go. But you can’t stay somewhere because of the people, what if they move and then you’re in a place you don’t even want to be?

Regardless of what happens on the job (and therefore the housing) front, I know I can still continue to seek out the fun and learning in life that I am enjoying so much and remain in this healthy frame of mind and independent state, it will just be more of a challenge to keep it going if I am back in my old surroundings with familiar (in both good and bad ways) faces and places. And that’s ok, I will roll with the punches. Wherever I end up next month is obviously where I am meant to be for my next test or lesson. But while I have this strong urge to move, I will follow it.

Last Saturday, tomorrow, well today. Yes! Thank God.